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Last week in The Mirror

✯✯✯✯✯ A newsstand that's brimming with issues Cyberspace, Thursday, January 17, 2019, 06:43:59 (UTC)
John Bolton finally gets it
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Donald Trump has finally selected John Bolton to replace H.R. Pufnstuf as National Security Advisor.

As it appears that nothing has changed, it should suffice to run a news release from thirteen months ago — when things seemed to be still hopeful. Full story»

Trump guilty of concealment
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald Trump revealed evidence of willful concealment at the CPAP conference.

Trump confessed, "I try like hell to hide that bald spot, folks." The remark was captured on cellphones by Democrats who donned suits and leather shoes to masquerade as Republicans. Adam Schiff called for Robert Mueller to hire ten more investigators to get to the bottom of it. Full story»

Kimmel shoots son in appeal for gun control
HOLLYWOOD, California -- Jimmy Kimmel shot his tiny son through the head to illustrate the fact that President Donald Trump is too stupid and/or too far under the thumb of the NRA to change his views on gun control.

Kimmel minimized the loss. His son was born with a heart murmur, leading to last year's rant that America was also too heartless to compel the millionaire performer to buy insurance under which his son would be treated for free. Full story»

Obamas' official portrait is painted
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Obamas unveiled their official Presidential portraits on Monday. These bear an uncanny relation to Obama's Presidency, though not resembling the couple terribly much.

The Smithsonian recommended "between 15 and 20" artists, but the Obamas mysteriously selected the black ones. A white artist might have painted Mr. Obama as uncomfortably pale-faced, and perhaps having awkwardly large ears. Full story»

Doritos to make chips for white people
TORTILLA UNIVERSITY, Illinois -- PepsiCo announced plans to issue a tortilla chip designed expressly for white people.

It follows the launch of "Doritos for women," which omitted attributes the ladies dislike, such as the loud crunch, the orange dust that indelibly stains silk scarves and blouses, and bad breath. Full story»

Zombie deer invade forests
OTTAWA, Ontario -- Canadian researchers warn that deer are carrying "zombie deer disease," which could infect humans.

The affected deer seem normal, sometimes for years, but eventually begin to lose weight, cease to interact with others, and stare vacantly as they starve to death. Marijuana is set to be legalized throughout Canada on July 1, but none of the cadavers has been analyzed for it. The disease is progressive, another factor explaining the interest from Canada. Full story»

Trump snubs The Mirror on Fake News awards
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Donald Trump passed over The Mirror in his top 10 "Fake News" stories during his first year in office.

Officials at Miraheze, which reportedly hosts The Mirror but there is no reason you should take our word for it, stated that Presidential recognition of The Mirror would be a step toward someone on the outside noticing Miraheze, which would propel the wiki farm toward the coveted listing in Wikipedia. Full story»

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