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✯✯✯✯ Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? TheMirror.miraheze.org Cyberspace, Tuesday, April 23, 2019, 17:56:59 (UTC)
Beresheet takes moon photo, mission not total loss
MOON -- Israel's Beresheet spacecraft snapped a stunning lunar panorama moments before it crash-landed, though less stunning than the fact that it cost $100 million.

Engineers and politicians were putting the best face on the dramatic waste of money on the part of a nation notoriously tight with it. Full story»

Trump to nominate Milky for Fed seat
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Donald Trump is expected to name Milky the Clown (second from left) as the next Fed governor. Mr. Clown is a spokesman for a Detroit dairy with a fleet of home-delivery trucks.

It follows two other unconventional nominations, supply-side advocate Stephen Moore then Herman Cain, who was traveling in Ubeki-beki-beki-stan when notified. Full story»


India commandeers National Highway
SRINAGAR, Jammu-and-Kashmir, India -- In the wake of the Pulwama car-bombing, India has announced that the Army will have exclusive use of National Highway 44 every Sunday and Wednesday through May.

The ban on civilian traffic is to be known as Operation Sitting Duck. Full story»

Trump bails out R.Kelly
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Discredited President Donald Trump has bailed discredited rapper R.Kelly out of jail.

Mr. Trump said that, "As a celebrity who is so famous that I could get away with grabbing women by the pussy, I welcome the chance to partner with a celebrity who has done so on a daily basis." Full story»


US parties compete for the vulgar vote
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Both American political parties have concluded that the undecided American voter is overwhelmingly potty-mouthed and needs to be pandered to.

Democrats like Rep. Rashida Tlaib started the trend, but Republicans at this weekend's CPAP conference honed it to a high art. Full story»

Hillary rules out another 2016 race
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Hillary Clinton, who lost the 2016 campaign for President, said she will absolutely not run again for President in 2016.

The former First Lady has spent the years since her defeat on a national tour for her book, What Happened to My 2016 Victory? This has led pundits to baseless speculation that she will try again to win the 2016 Presidential election. Full story»


NY Times gets flak for calling physicist a "climate dentist"
NEW YORK CITY -- The New York Times is taking criticism for labeling Princeton professor William Happer a "climate dentist."

The nation's "newspaper of record" has faced declines in print advertising and subscription revenue, which it has offset by laying off its erstwhile army of sub-editors. Full story»

Northam: As a doctor, I can help Virginia
FAIRFAX, Virginia -- Gov. Ralph Northam said that he, as a physician, can best "heal" the scandal he created. Moreover, since the harm is to Virginia's credibility, it is even better that he is also a politician.

The scandal, if one throws in the rapes, neatly covers each Democrat in the administration. The dilemma is that Democrats must all step aside and let Republicans, who lost the election, run the government. Full story»


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